At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
