I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
