omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
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He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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