You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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