He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
