Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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