sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
