While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
