I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
