If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
