The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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