So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
from now on my penis is your penis
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
