nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you had me at cake vodka
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
