your parents love me but you hate me
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
