Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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