I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
