She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
