I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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