some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
