My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
