when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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