Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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