Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
