he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
