2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
