: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
