I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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