happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
