I haven't been this sober since birth.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
