the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
