Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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