Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
