Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
