Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
