Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
