I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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