we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
