Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
