So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
