Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship