I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
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You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
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Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.