I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first