My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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