They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
