eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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