No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
