I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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