So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
