Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
