I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
