just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
