I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
