everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
