So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
