Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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