i need an iv and a liver transplant
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
