I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
