Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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