im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
