Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
