today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
