I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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